Involving the Twin Matter

            I apologize for not getting back to you non-existent readers sooner to discuss the whole twin issue. It has obviously been quite awhile and I have yet to find my so called twin. I'm a bit saddened by the result of my research, which is basically a lot of nothing, except that I found out one of my friends talked to this girl face to face, assuming it was me the entire time. I had to convince her otherwise. Anyway, that's about  all I have on the subject. Also a reminder, I will be posting more poetry and such soon because I wrote more to share. How grand! Well, cheerio for now! And yes I did in fact just type all this up in a sophisticated British accent.

Two Places at Once?

Today I decided to take a sick day and stay home from school because, well I'm sick. Apparently though according to, two of my friends I did go to school today. They swore up and down that they saw me. My friend swears that I was no more than 10 feet in front of her today just walking on by, and that I looked right at her. Interesting. My other friend claims she saw me in the lunch line. Two friends hallucinating about me? Flattering but unfortunately I don't think that's the case. So apparently I have a "twinsy" at my own school. How exciting! Now I have something to look forward to, when I actually do attend school. I am seeking this girl out, because well, who wouldn't want to seek out their look a like? I've always wanted to have one of those. I'll post what I find out tomorrow. (:

Dear God

You picked me up 
Off the ground
Wiped away the pain
That was all around
You helped me to stand, 
To walk, to speak
The simple tasks 
I couldn't complete
You're there for me when no one else is
The only one that understands me like this

Common Anxiety

Once it comes
There's no keeping it away
Takes a hold of your body and mind
Making you defenseless all the time
You scream out in frustration
But it doesn't go away
Tricks you into thinking 
You'll forever be this way
You can cry or scream
But what good does that do
When it's already taken a hold of you

Mr Skip

Your support was priceless
But then it went away
Don't know what I did 
to make you turn away
All I wanted was a friend
I'd do anything to keep
But I guess my efforts
Were just a bit too weak
I'm sorry if I hurt you
Or if I made you mad
Please tell me now
If you're ever coming back

The Run

Bare feet grinding into the bottom of her shoes 
She flies across the forest floor
Dancing through the rocks and fallen trees
Heart beating to its own music
The sound keeping her sane
Signs of the artificial world 
Become increasingly more distinct
The familiar crunch of leaves and twigs
Vanish from underneath her
Hitting smooth black cement
Heat waves curling at the top
She stops her body short
Raising her hands to the sky
Head falling back against her shoulders
She lets the sun soak into her face
And breathes a silent thank you

Looking Back and Ahead

“Have I had anxiety my whole life?” This was the question that made memories of all the different ‘incidents’ come back to me. There’s a specific trial from kindergarten that comes to mind when answering this question. I went a private school back then, so of course I had to wear a uniform. On this particular day my mom didn’t have a girl’s uniform for me to wear so I was stuck with the boy version.  It fashioned an obnoxious red polo shirt with beige dress pants. This one set back of having to wear a boy’s uniform really ate at my five year old self.

         When we got to school I wouldn’t step foot into the classroom. “Mommy pleeease. Why can’t I wear a dress? Don’t make me go! Pleeease!” I cried, as I tugged at her shirt. I pleaded and begged until my face dripped with tears. After tiring out and getting nowhere I trudged into my classroom full of shame for having the wrong uniform on.

         Other ordeals I remember from elementary school were the times I would have to escape the adventures of the play ground and have a few minutes to myself on the field. There were also the weekly stomach aches. I’d always had them it seemed, though I was rarely ever sick.

         Before I knew it the exciting time for Middle School came and like every other preteen before their first day, I couldn’t sleep. I still had the stomach aches. They were practically daily now, but I’d gotten used to it.

         Seventh grade hit and so did the headaches, though only a couple times a week. What was wrong with my body? Did I just constantly have a cold or something?

         I pondered those questions up until the eighth grade. By this time the headaches were daily as were the stomach aches. My family and I tried countless herbs and medicines for me; peppermint oil, and Ibuprofen for my head, drops of the cat’s claw remedy and Zantac pills for my stomach.  These seldom worked so towards the end of eighth grade I began searching online for what could be going on with me. I stumbled upon GDA or generalized anxiety disorder. I went over all the lists of symptoms, physical and emotional. I found that I matched up with the majority of those lists. But I wasn’t ready to claim anything yet.

         I poured myself into research for about two months. I finally confirmed what I already suspected one day at school. We were entering the golf unit in P.E when all these unnerving thoughts flooded my head. “What if someone swings too far and whacks someone in the head? What if someone gets hit? This is really dangerous. Someone’s gonna get hit! These teachers are crazy! Someone could die! Oh God. This is NOT safe!” And on and on I went. I was at the mini golf station, a tight space between the changing rooms and gym, when I finally started to relax, “What could go wrong here? No one’s even swinging above their knee and it’s such a pretty day, the sky’s so blue, who’s ball is that rolling-- whack!

         When I saw light again I was crouched on the ground clutching my head; my hair a veil around my face forbidding anyone to see the tears forming in my eyes. I kept my head down. “God. What happened? Ugh! It hurts…am I bleeding? Bloody hell. Who did that?”

“Alyse are you okay?”

I couldn’t speak. I shook my head. No.

“I’m sorry,” another voice said but I couldn’t quit place it. “I feel sick. Oww.”

“Do you want to go to the office?” my friend asked.

I shook my head again. Yes. The threats of tears were getting increasingly stronger and I needed to get away. With my friend at my side, I got up and began to walk. A few steps later, it hit me. As hard and as quick as a delivery truck. Thoughts swarmed my mind. “It happened. Oh god. It happened, to me! Do I have a concussion- am I bleeding? Please don’t let me have a concussion! Oh God, Oh God, I’m...shaking. I can’t walk. I can’t…oh God. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I CAN’T breathe!!!”

“Can’t…breathe. Stop. I can’t…” I managed. I was like a fish out of water. I just couldn’t get enough oxygen. It was terrifying.

         At last when I could take some reasonable breaths my friend walked me into the office. I called my mom, got a note, went to the bathroom to change my clothes and cried. I cried and cried and cried. It felt like my insides were being pulled apart thread by thread. I banged my fists against the wall of the dull gray stall.

“Why, why, why, WHY? What’s wrong with me!”

Self-contempt seeped through me, stinging my fragile heart. My back slide down the wall and I sank to the cold floor. I broke completely and sobbed.

         “God help me. Please, please. Pleease!” These words became my whispered mantra as I wallowed in the dim light of the bathroom. Eventually the cold darkness in my heart began to pass and I got up, and went to class.

         Only this year, was I officially diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I’ve come to the conclusion recently, that even though at times this anxiety is crippling I’m brave enough to stick it out. When I walk into school or a place with potential anxieties I think of a warrior stepping out onto a battle field. Ready for whatever comes her way. She might be scared but she stays strong and has faith that everything will turn out okay.  In the middle of a battle you can’t always be sure what’s coming next, but you can think of the amazing person it can shape you into, and remember that from pain comes beauty. That’s what I’ll keep with me in the following years to come, that even though there will be some hard times, there will also be something good to come out of it. I’m now finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Old Friend

Hello old friend

It’s been too long since you’ve stirred

I can feel you – dancing around me

With my friends – my family

In this place, you creep out of hiding

And spread through all of me

Like a raging fire in a lost, dry forest

Your light burns so bright tonight

In the music; in the laughter;

In the kind words and actions

In everyone around me

You could stay, you know?

Stay with me dear friend

Don’t leave me like I’ll soon leave this room, 

This music – these people

You can stay

I invite you in, dear friend

Please stay

Almost Daily

Today I stress

Today I worry

Today there’s an animal inside of me

Terrorizing my stomach

Climbing up to my chest

Pounding and pounding away

Today I will pray

I will pray and be okay

I will stay strong, today

Today I will remember

All the good I have to see

Today I might stress and worry

But remember, He’ll take care of me

The Untrue Story of Slaughtybotfast.

A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, Slaughtybotfost was under attack. So he called for his nifty crew of mango warriors; the tastiest in the galaxy. They rushed to their Captain’s aid but unfortunately for Smegle (not Slaughty but a different character) they didn’t get there fast enough. Slaughtybotfost was captured by the Muffets! The cruelest, yet nicest smelling, bad guys in this story. 
       The mango warriors were shaking in their slippers! Whatever would they do without their beloved Captain?! But one Smegle stepped up to the shiny golden (yet slightly damaged) plate! And announced they would all go on a quest to save their beloved Slaughty. He said to the warriors, “We can’t stand around here waiting to become dried fruit, distributed in fancy bags, and handed out to the mango eating public! Mango warriors step up to the shiny golden plate here!” and so they did. Literally. Thus it became quite crowded on that poor old plate and they had to step off so as not to further damage it.

     And so it began! Their wild, dangerous quest to save the world which revolved around Captain Slaughtybotfost! With Smegle on their side nothing was sure to go wrong!

Or wasn’t it?

The First blog post: Greetings!

Greetings fellow people. This would classify as my first blog post ever so.....give an excited gesture. (: This blog would include all of my many poems, stories, and daily random writings. As it grows I'll probably include links to videos and maybe other blogs and other things that I'm not sure of yet, because like I mentioned I'm merely an amateur with this so wish me luck!