Sincerely Violet

Dear Diary,

   Today was a long day. My friend couldn’t make it to her mini morning concert down in the village so I filled in for her. I was really tired so I had some coffee.  Not a good idea. My lips starting twitching during the last few songs. My nerves and coffee do not mix, I know this. But I was SO TIRED. After the concert I was definitely more awake, though starving. I got some food and went to work. At work I was fine. Wasn’t great, but I was fine. Content. Mentally healthy.

So I’m working, making coffee calling out orders, all that jazz and guess who strides in? The beautiful, the amazing, the smooth, the slick bastard himself. Sebastian Kemry. Now I had a feeling that he’d come in sometime. I mean The Mocha Mug is a pretty popular coffee shop. And hell, I’d only fantasized about running into him enough times. No wonder it finally happened.

But dear God, just his mere presence. I cracked, shattered. I had no idea I had even been breaking.  Everything that happened between us resurfaced. Forcing me to face it.

Now diary you might be thinking, what happened? That is if you could think. I’m not sure where to begin with that question. To put it simply, we were something of an item, then he left. He didn’t want me “pestering” him all the time. Apparently wanting to hang out and talk every once in awhile was too much for him. So I told him I wouldn’t bother him anymore. That was the last time we ever spoke, ever fought.

He finally ordered and I made him his drink. Made sure I was the one to make it (why do I torture myself). I was edging on tears, but I had to talk to him. My hands shook uncontrollably. I breathed. Cursed. Shook. He came over to the counter, just then seeing me apparently. He smiled.

“Hey haven’t seen you in awhile.” Your own fault. I thought. He winced. As if he heard my thoughts. Bad intro. He continued talking and smiling, like nothing was wrong. So excited about his new college classes. How could he be this normal, this composed, as I’m falling apart? I nodded and smiled.

He said he could never work here. This again. I thought, assuming he’d bring up the last time we talked about this. How I was too good to work here, how I could do better. How I shouldn’t be wasting my time here. But I humoured him and asked why.

“Too noisy” he said.  I gave him a funny look, though I was relieved it had nothing to do with our talk before.  I agreed but added, “The coworkers are great”.

That’s the only thing I could think to say. It was true.

I finished his drink.

He asked if it was his.

I said, “Yeah”. I handed it to him and he left.  I didn’t watch him leave. I turned around and breathed. My chin wobbled. I gulped the air. Mikayla asked who that was. My brain wasn’t working. I couldn’t think of what to say.

I replied. “It’s complicated.”

I couldn’t say anymore. Couldn’t. There was a swelling sadness crawling up my throat.

Burning.

I shook. Cursed. Breathed. Breathed. Gulped. Cursed. Couldn’t.

I asked for an early break. My voice broke.

She said, “Of course”.

I ran.  I ripped off my visor and stormed to the back.

I cried.

I choked.

I wailed.

Shaky, angry, uncontrollable.

I was just as angry as I was sad. I landed in a place that was indescribable. Extremely raw. I guess that’s why they call it heartbreak. The sick thing was I liked how it felt. I liked that I could feel so much for him, even if it didn’t necessarily feel good. I was no longer numb. He made me feel.

I could hate him. I should hate him. Right? But I can’t. I could never hate him. I’m so angry at him but I could never hate him. I don’t know why. I don’t know why I care so much about him. I don’t know why I cried and shook. Though I do know he was something I needed to face, not fake. Faking nothing was wrong, did me no good. I think the worst part of all of this is that I still miss him. Still want him. Still imagine confiding in him, being with him, talking to him. And with all that I know that I never can. To love someone who doesn’t love you back, who doesn’t even care. That is the worst thing.

Sincerely,

Violet