What was frightening, was that it still wasn’t over. This thing between them. At least that’s how she felt. How could it be over if there was no fall out? No concrete end? They’d never actually talked about it in person, mainly because he wouldn’t allow it. He was a great guy; kind, gentle and polite but he wasn’t able to face the music, not in person. Wasn’t able to tell her that it was never going to happen between them and that she should stop trying. She probably wouldn’t have believed him anyway. She felt there was an underlying hope that tattooed their relationship. She thought that deep down he really did love her and want to be with her. But that little spark of desire, if he even had one, wasn’t enough. Wasn’t enough to fix their damaged relationship. It was turmoil as he put it, and you can’t make anything out of turmoil.
But she didn’t understand where it had gone so wrong, why their relationship had fallen apart. What had changed in him? And why oh why, was she still so determined to fix it? She thought that maybe if she could see him, talk to him, then her feelings for him could be put to rest, somehow. But he wouldn’t let her do that either. Wouldn’t let her move on. And, isn’t that what he wanted? For her to move on? So why was he dragging her on like this? In order for her to let go, he needed to let go as well. He needed to let her go, set her free, give her a proper goodbye. It only was then, she thought, that she could let herself forget and finally move on.
Though, maybe that’s not what he wanted. Maybe he wanted to drag it out, to make her hurt, to satisfy his revenge. But when would that end? The revenge he so blindly sought? They say if you give into anger, it only makes you more angry. It is the same for vengeance? The more you try to satisfy it, the more you continue to crave it?
She hoped that wasn’t true. He was a good man she knew, the best. But everyone had a dark side and he amply showed her his, having it burn through her, right down into her fragile heart. He had to let these feelings out somewhere, she supposed. Besides, she had made herself his perfect target. She made her mistake then dared to take it back and proclaim love. At the worst possible time too, but she couldn’t help it. She wanted so desperately to go back and see that wonderful, beautiful side of him again, not the side tainted with resentment. She supposed she deserved this much though, maybe even deserved his hatred. She’d made a mistake and even though they say, “everyone makes mistakes”, it’s important to note not everyone forgives them.
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